Does Relationship Commitment Seem too Far-Fetched for you to Grasp?
com·mit·ment
/kəˈmitm(ə)nt/
The state of being dedicated to a cause or activity.
Relationship commitment is a tall ask. In many cases, it is not easy and can be difficult. In some ways it is even scary. To be dedicated to a cause or an activity requires levels of vulnerability. That’s not all that commitment asks of you. To be committed asks that you be selfless and considerate of others. Need a break yet?
So, you’re ready to take the plunge? Say you really like the person yet, something keeps you from giving your all. Have you asked yourself questions like, “I just need to get over it.” Or, perhaps you told yourself, “I need to stop being this way,” and yet, that seems a lot easier said than done. Well, you’re not alone!
Many of our unwanted behaviors, beliefs, and urges originate with childhood wounding. When a child endures a significant physical or emotional injury that is not followed by needed comfort, reassurance, and support, that child gets stuck in that painful moment. Being stuck in the past means that childhood state of mind can get triggered in adulthood.
Let’s talk about some personalized ways that this may come out. Say you imagine yourself being affectionate toward one another, but you find yourself unable to do what you just thought of. Something is holding you back. Another example is when your partner is vulnerable and expresses deep emotion to you and you don’t seem to have anything to say in return. You might think, “What’s wrong with me?”
Much like what we discussed earlier about childhood wounding, these are the behaviors that now come out in your adulthood. The adult part of you decides to act in ways the childhood part of you could not.
One practical way for you to assess what keeps you from demonstrating the behavior that you do want to display is to ask yourself the following questions:
When was the very first time that I develop discomfort over [the behavior that you want to display; i.e. showing affection]?
What does it mean for me when I extend [the behavior that you want to display; i.e. saying terms of endearment]? And why is that a bad thing?
When you extend [the behavior that you want to display; i.e. showing affection], what does it cost you?
When is the first time that cost started to demand more than you could handle or wanted to give?
These questions are not exhaustive in helping you build relationship commitment. They will help you get started in giving you direction of some of the personal work that you can do to lower the walls that childhood wounding established.
